At the first reading I went to, as a fledgling poet in Colorado, I was given some advice from an old, grey poet of local note. The advice had nothing to do with writing or poetry. He said, "Never enter a poetry contest where they ask for money. The award always goes to a friend, a well published poet, or a tenured professor; none of which ever needs the money." I had little idea what he was talking about then. Now I know. While I've never been so foolish as to pay into a poetry contest, I have heard 1001 horror stories from those who have. I have often wondered, "Why, if the fraudulence ripe within poetry contests is so well known, do people pay the money and send in their poems?"
I have often asked this question of those who lost their money. Embarrassment keeps them from giving me an answer. I would imagine that they all believe they have found the one contest without bias or corruption and their poem is better than anything possibly sent in. But just how unwise and impulsive can the "poet" be? This is what I wanted to know. So I put together my own poetry contest.
I created the "Friends Of Twin Cities' Northern Suburbs" poetry contest. The FOTCNS would be giving out the Weldon P. Harris award for excellence in poetry. Neither the FOTCNS nor the Weldon P. Harris award exists. In fact, Weldon P. Harris has not lived among us. This, dear readers, is a hoax-pure and simple.
I did little to advertise the hoax. I put up a few flyers in the key areas of St. Paul and suburbs north of St. Paul. These flyers announced the contest and required a $20 entry fee. With the rest of the flyer, I made every effort to make the contest as ludicrous as possible. Firstly, the winning prizes consisted of:
Third prize: $5
Second prize: $10
First prize: $15
It does not take a great mathematician to realize that the best a poet could do was win first prize at a $5 loss.
Next the contest advert went on to specify no further promises:
There would be no publication of winning poems.
There would be no publication or notification of contest results.
There would be no media recognition for winning poems.
Who in their right mind would enter such a contest? There is not a human being that would put well earned money toward this contest. Really? In the span of two weeks I received 9 entries. That's right, with practically no advertising 9 people entered. There may have been more but after two weeks any further entries were returned without my knowledge. So, if this were an actual contest let's do the math (and who said that first grade math wouldn't come in useful one day):
$180.00 entry fees
- $25 prize money
= $155.00 pure profit
$155 is not bad for doing less work than a panhandler.
Now, being that this hoax was an experiment, I promptly returned all entry fees to the participants along with a kind letter explaining myself and a request that they allow me to interview them concerning their impetus in entering such a clearly fraudulent contest. Naturally, it was embarrassment that kept the nine "poets" from answering any of the questions I may have.
What could be the purpose of such a ruse? The point was to show that there will always be a market for the charlatan to maneuver within. If writers (any artist, for that matter) continue to allow ego (and I speak here even of an ego that comes of naiveté) to supersede basic common sense, then there is no end to the lowest common denominator. It's difficult enough for a writer to make a daily meal. To permit these cretins to feed while you starve is criminal. And this goes beyond the folly of most contests. This goes into fraudulent agents who ask for up front fees, grant programs who ask for money (to give money?), and those "literary organizations" that strip the writer of their last penny to add to their massive grants. Oh, but I do get ahead of myself.
Entry fees in contests are a joke as are reading fees or any up front fee. Common sense dictates: save your money, write in a fever, and make those who wish to make money off your writing work for you and not the other way around. There is a myriad of reasons that the literary business is in trouble in this country and money scams are but a part of that. Yes, I could make more money with organizations like the FOTCNS than actually writing but I have dignity and a respect for the art. As long as writers continue to give money to such ventures, such ventures will have a profluent existence.
In other news, I have heard of a new literary agent based out of St. Paul. Agnes Freewill is now accepting submissions from unpublished poets. She has many contacts in the publishing world and will dutifully shop around all works as she passes through to South America. Submission guidelines are simple: place your finished and unpublished manuscript with a money order for $500 in a brown paper bag and leave it behind the grey cement blocks in the alley at Hamline and Van Buren Avenue. Your literary fame is only a delusion and a trapdoor away.
© 2007 by D. Garcia-Wahl.