If you are interested in establishing gainful employ in the service of Her Royal Highness, you must first complete this mandatory, voluntary self-completed background study to assess your character, native talents and aptitudes. Please answer each question as honestly as possible or else we shall be forced to exclude your candidacy from all future consideration.
1. Have you now or ever or plan in the future or once or more times in the past used naughty words? Yes/No
If yes, explain: ___________________________
2. This phrase best describes my spiritual self:
A) God save the Queen first, then me.
B) God save me first, then the Queen.
C) God save the Queen, the fascist regime that made you a moron and England's dreamin'.
D) Meow not a Queen.
3. In a contest between Richard the Lion Hearted, Oliver Cromwell, Buddica and Ice-T, who would win?
A) Oliver Cromwell. Dude could hurl a pike.
B) Richard the Lion Hearted. Dude went on crusade.
C) Ice-T. Dude got a nine.
D) Did meow say, "Budda-kitty?" Meow vote "Budda-kitty." Meow have pride.
4. What is the difference between "soffing" and "scuffing?"
A) Scoffing is the intentional misuse of the scuff to effect a squabble-like atmosphere among the brethren.
B) Scuffing is the physical act of scoffing with "this world" orientation.
C) Scouting was invented for boys, by Sir Robert Baden Powell, who also invented concentration camps.
D) Meow choose not to respond.
5. The correct form of address when in the presence of the Royal Personage is:
A) 'Ullo love? Right good day for a bit of the old saucy-tossy, eh? What's been pokin' in the ol' shag bag today?
B) Allahhu Akbar!
C) Queenie, queenie, queenie! Come 'ere! Come mere! Come mere mere! Come mere mere mere!
D) Puuuuuuuuur!
6. Are you now or have you never been or will ever never but possibly not in any sort of randy business, criminal enterprise, scheme, plan, organization, centre or group home?
A) No bay-bay.
B) I'm not all bad, just partially.
C) I've been a criminal, but I've been loved.
D) Meow clean my plate.
7. If Her Majesty's favorite program on tele was "Eastenders" I would...
A) Tell her she's a sodding whore, and can piss off until she learns better habits.
B) Call Bono for further instruction.
C) Point out that Her Highness "gots what sticks in her" and Eastenders "gots what sticks out of 'em" and that means only do that during "private time."
D) Change meow channel to meow groovy vibe.
8. If the palace were under siege by enemies of Her Majesty:
A) Never mind the bollocks, play the Sex Pistols.
B) Send Her Majesty's enemies on an Easter Egg walkabout.
C) Unleash the Royal Mutant Sea Monkeys, and instruct them to attack.
D) Meow do "kitty grab" see how stupid people likes it!
9. My ancestors_____________________...
A) Had no taste or talent.
B) Stood proudly with the Crowne during turbulent periods.
C) Smashed frogs with crude clubs.
D) Meow eat the old and weak from meow back of meow herd.
10. This phrase best describes my philosophy of service:
A) Pride in the moment.
B) Kwality with a "K".
C) I don't pay attention. Attention pays me.
D) Meow don't know.
© 2008 by Justin Teerlinck.