Life is extremely dangerous. Animals may eat you; fathers may beat you; giants may eat you; witches may trick you; when the food runs out, your poor parents may abandon you in the woods; and the King can do whatever he likes with you.
Life is especially dangerous if your mother dies. Then, you get a stepmother. Stepmothers comb the hair of their stepdaughters with poison combs and send their stepchildren into the woods to be eaten by wolves. At the very least, stepmothers make the girls do all the housework and change the boys into wild swans.
It is important for a girl to be beautiful. Those who are not beautiful are destined to become stepsisters, which makes them jealous and mean.
It is helpful for a man to be handsome, but if he's ugly, he can become handsome if a beautiful girl will marry him.
The important women in fairy tales are witches, stepmothers and princesses and, here and there, a poor woodcutter's daughter. The queens have all died.
The important men in fairytales are kings, princes, giants, boys, old soldiers and one or two frogs.
Any man can marry a princess if he has some magic.
The princess has no say in the matter, but that's okay because it's what she really wants.
Any girl can marry a prince if she is beautiful. It's also helpful if her father brags she can spin straw into gold.
In fairytales, it is acceptable to prevent a daughter from marrying the wrong person by imprisoning her in a tower. Of course, this ensures her desirability to every prince, boy and old soldier passing by. Frogs are not interested, as they are also waiting to be rescued.
The daughter will be rescued from the tower because she is beautiful and meek and willing to marry any prince, boy or soldier who manages to trick the mother, father or witch who has imprisoned her.
In fairytales, if you have managed to marry a prince despite your stepmother's terrible schemes, you can put her daughter into a barrel studded on the inside with nails and order the barrel to be dragged through the streets while your stepsister screams for mercy, and you will still be considered a good girl.
In fairytales, there is no such thing as a good witch, although a witch might make you rich if you help her. If so, take your money and walk away quickly. If you try to leave by stealing her talking ass, expect trouble.
Ugly old women and crippled old men may look like they are at the bottom of the heap, but they have power. If you don't give them the lunch your mother packed for you before she died, you can end up with a mouthful of toads. However, if you share the last of your food generously, you will be given a magical gift, such as a lamp, table, animal, ring or cape.
The rich and powerful may practice magic, but they always lose to the innocent orphan. Just when the magician has mastered his dark and terrible arts, the brave boy steals his lamp. As soon as the ravishing queen secures her position as the most beautiful woman in the land, her mirror tells her she is second to the girl who's white as snow.
Learn this: if you grasp magic, you'll lose it. It only comes as a gift to the poor, the desperate and the friendless. Life being what it is, expect to be saved by magic many times.
- Reva Rasmussen